6 Ways to Deal With Digital Bad Manners

PDAs are everywhere: In restaurants, movie theaters, even at funerals. Now, they're plaguing the workplace -- where they were supposed to make life easier. We're not talking about the PDA we're all used to complaining about -- we're talking about personal digital assistants (PDA). That's right -- PDAs like cell phones, pagers, Blackberries and laptops are causing PDIs (public displays of insensitivity) in the workplace -- and it's got to stop.

In April 2007, Apple celebrated the sale of its 100 millionth iPod. Seem like a lot? Probably -- until you consider the 200 million cell phones, 103 million digital cameras and 19 million PDAs sold in the last few years in the United States. While these advances in technology provide Americans with convenience like they've never known, they can also be intrusive and obnoxious, to say the very least.

"As with the majority of things, personal digital assistants are excellent resources if used appropriately," says Rosemary Haefner, Vice President of Human Resources for CareerBuilder.com. "It's when bosses are checking e-mails during a presentation or a client answers his cell phone at dinner when it becomes an issue."

Ninety-one percent of people regularly encounter public displays of insensitivity caused by a personal digital assistant, according to a recent survey by VitalSmarts. For example, the passenger on a silent train car is chatting loudly on her cell phone; your co-worker is checking his e-mail during a meeting; or, in one scenario from a survey respondent, a guest at a funeral snapping pictures of the open casket -- with his cell phone.

It's one thing to deal with digital bad manners in the confines of your home or a social situation. It's quite another to deal with it in your workplace.

Take Margaret, for instance. During her annual performance appraisal -- the big review that comes around only once a year -- her boss received (and made) not one, not two, but five total phone calls and not only checked her e-mail, but responded to one -- all with her back turned to Margaret. To top things off, her boss provided no written or verbal comments, and when Margaret asked her to write down some of her successes in the appraisal document, her boss told Margaret to write it in herself.

"I received no concrete feedback," she says. "In fact, the [appraisal] document was so generic, I took off the cover page and let an HR representative read it. She thought it was a template."

So what do we do when faced with such appalling PDIs? Most of us do nothing, according to the survey. One-in-ten people speak up to the offender while the vast majority remain silent by ignoring the behavior (37 percent), giving dirty looks or showing disapproval in other nonverbal ways (26 percent) or just walking away (14 percent).

People avoid confronting PDI offenders because they simply don't know how to speak up, says Joseph Grenny, co-author of "Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations and Bad Behavior" (McGraw-Hill). They justify their silence in many ways, yet by saying nothing they are sending silent approval of insensitive and bad behavior.

"Current social norms dictate that you should be courteous and polite, and the advancement of new technologies should not trump these unwritten rules," Grenny says. "To maintain a civil and courteous society, we must learn to confront PDIs in a way that addresses the bad behavior without sacrificing the respect each person deserves."

Need help confronting a PDI offender without damaging your work relationship? Grenny offers these tips:

1. Don't rely solely on vague and prickly non-verbals.
Your dirty looks, harrumphs and shaking head are often weak and unclear messages that can provoke either no reaction or defensiveness and annoyance. When others fill in the blanks, they may attribute a worse message than you intended. You want the offenders to realize his/her behavior is obnoxious -- not that you are obnoxious.

2. Speak softly, be tentative.
Softer voices are less provocative; require the offenders to pay attention to what you're saying, and offer privacy to salvage the other person's pride. If you want to try a nonverbal first, use tentative gestures like eye contact, a polite smile or pointing to your ear rather than an angry stare. This will make it easier to become more verbal without escalating to conflict.

3. Be gracious and ask permission.
When people are publicly insensitive, it's generally because they are attending solely to their own needs. Start by apologizing for the inconvenience and then ask for their permission to listen to your request. "I don't mean to put you out but... "

4. Share natural consequences.
Never make demands without explaining them. People feel more obligated to oblige when your request appears reasonable. For example, "Can you please not check your e-mail right now? I'm trying to make a presentation, and it's slightly distracting."

5. Keep your smile but hold your ground.
Maintain eye contact, stay silent and let them respond. Don't become aggressive.

6. Accept a "no" and move on with your life.
If they either fail to comply or quickly return to the obnoxious behavior, let it drop. Unless the situation will continue for an extended period of time or your safety is at risk, you're better off just moving on.